Subject: Father Hamster
Date: Sun, 19 May 2002 12:03:57 -0700 (PDT)
Hey guys, it is I. Mr. Joshua Manning. I have given myself a new nickname - Father Hamster. There is absolutely no meaning in this name, but yet it is mine. You may now all refer to me as such.
The main purpose of this email is to inform all who listen that I will be leaving tomorrow for the Big Country of China. I would request you all to be praying for safety while I am gone. I will return in 16 days. I believe that it will be, as they say in the hood, a gee jolly swell time.
As long as I have you all here, I figured I might as well go on a bit. Life has been pretty good lastly. For those of you who don't know, I got a new job a few months ago. I'm now a rent-a-cop. Don't worry, the doughnuts are real. I wouldn't keep the job if they were fake. It just wouldn't be cool. My main duty with my job is to stay up all night and make sure no one steals the big boat. I figure if someone plans on taking that boat, they are pretty goofy in the first place cuz it's a BIG BOAT. So I mostly stay up and stare at the boat all night. It gets pretty lonesome and boring. Action out there is about as rare as a mud-slide in Egypt. On a positive note, however, I have discovered the meaning of life. I figure that is a plus. If your interested go ahead and email me and I'll tell ya all about it.
An Update on the Canadian Compound:
For those who don't know, I'll give some brief background. See, back in the 2000 election, things were getting pretty close between Dubya and Cheese Head (Gore). I did alot of research on Cheese Head and discovered that he is actually Karl Marx. It is a long story and if you are truly interested, tell me and I'll give you the low-down. But for now, I wish to save those who know from the repetition of rehearing this great story.
Well, the election was close, and my great friend Matthew Curry (corvair2001@yahoo.com) and I began to do some research on alternative living situations. We knew that to remain in America during the reign of Grand Potentate Cheese Head would lead to out utter destruction. So, Mr. Corvair (that's Matt) and Father Hamster (that's me) decided on a plan of action. We bought this old country farm house up in Quebec and learned French. We hired out a team of disgruntled postal workers to turn that old farm house into a great top secret military complex. We had our own electrical nuclear power generator, 5 missiles in case we went to war with the Eskimos, a tank, a liquid carbon dispenser, a futon and 3 q-tips. We were located on Akpatok Island in Ungava Bay (that is up where it gets cold). I would tell you more but it's top secret. Then, thank goodness, Dubya won and the Exodus to Akpatok was never made. Which is good considering we weren't quite sure how to get there cuz the map sent to us by my real-estate agent, Lonie, never got to me. Mr. Corvair had told me not to worry cuz he had a compass and all we would need to do was keep walking north, but you know how Hamsters are. They always got a cheek full of something or other.
Well anyway, I ended up leasing the compound to some Asian guy for 20 bucks a year. I figured I wouldn't need it til at least 2004 so I might as well try to make some money off of it. I was hesitant at first but he seemed like a nice guy so I let it go.
So, that is the update on the compound. I'm not completely satisfied but at least I didn't have to sell it. They got terrible property tax up in Canada.
So, um, I think that is about it. Things should be getting back to normal soon. Just got my grades in and boy are my arms tired.
Take it easy, greasy. And remember, bald people always use less shampoo.
As you were,
Josh
ps - This mass email would not be possible without the help of Kimiyo Arnold. I have mentioned my Hawaiian friend in every other email, so why stop now?