It's time to tell you all about Kenny's Amazing (Amazon) Adventure. Before I get in detail about the Adventure, I need to tell you all about my pal Kenny. Kenny and I go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back. Almost about 10 months.... We meet at the big Winn Dixie Super Shopping Center. I was standing there, trying to work and he came up and said, "Hi, I'm Kenny." I screamed "Oh no!! They killed Kenny!!" Everyone just sort of looked at me funny at first then I said "Hi Kenny. Have you seen Ricco?" He said, "Ricco? I don't know no Ricco!" Although he used a double negative, I let it slip. Kenny ended up becoming on of the best friends a guy could have. Although his temper can be short at times and the understanding of jokes doesn't always work out for him (hey, what do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh! "I don't get it.") He's still awesome (and stuff). He hates me bragging about him. He was all for me telling about his Amazing (Amazon) Adventure, but when I told him I was going to say how cool he as and all, he said, "No, don't do that! I'm not trying to be this really great and nice guy. It's just Jesus living through me." He's right too. But he is nice. In one instance, he paid for this one girl in Chi Alpha to go to the World Salt. He didn't actually physically pay, but he gave up a reward that he had coming to him and gave it to her. He is also making Mike accept money so that Mike can go to California and visit "his peps." I keep telling Kenny I need a new car...
Well, now that I'm done putting Kenny up, it's time to humble him again so I'm telling Kenny's Amazing (Amazon) Adventure!!! (I think I may also put this up on my website later.
From the moment I woke up, I new this day was going to be special. I looked at the clock. "Oh heck," I said out loud, "it's 5:30 already." I hadn't fallen asleep until two hours earlier. It's amazing the things you can come up with while staring at your ceiling for six hours. I actually developed a scientifically correct theory disproving evolution, but I'm not going to get into that now.
I had asked Kenny to pick me up today the night before. My gas light was saying "E" and I found myself quite broke. He was going to be there about 7:00. We were starting a prayer meeting with our good buddy and ex-navy dude Dane.
I sat on the sofa watching the minutes tick away. I got concerned and called Kenny. I picked up my phone and dialed the number.
"Hello, is Kenny there?" I asked as the phone was answered.
"Waiiti=kjbfi aaaste seertrtc," was the slurred reply.
Ten minutes later, Kenny's was in my driveway beeping his horn. It was 7:15. He was a little late, but I could live with that.
Kenny had the privilege of driving his mom's van that day. Kenny's mom's van does not have a parking decal for Nicholls. Kenny's mom's van was parked on Highway 1 as Kenny and I walked a few miles to the Student Union (my dad always tells me "Haven't I told you a million times not to exaggerate.") After that half-hour drive from my house to Nicholls and the ten minute walk from the van to the union AND the fifteen minutes it took Kenny to get all his stuff organized and out of the van, it was well past the 7:30 time we had told Dane that we would meet him. I ran to the computer lab, knowing that Dane knew how to nuke us and wrote him an email apologizing for our mishaps.
I went to class and all went well. After my classes were over, though, thing got a little messy. I walked to the union and there sat my buddies Mike, Scott and Larke. Larke had the pleasure of telling me Kenny's mom's van's lights had been left on and that Kenny's mom's van's battery was dead. I asked were Kenny was but no one seemed to know. Kenny had told me earlier in the day that he was supposed to eat lunch with a friend of his. When Kenny gets lunch on the brain, he is determined to eat. I was sure Kenny and his buddy had forsaken me and went to lunch leaving me to figure out what I was to do.
I called Kenny's cell phone only to have Kenny's Mom answer. She asked what was wrong. Not wanting to get her scared, I told her everything was fine.
I was really becoming upset at Kenny. I had no idea were he was or how I was to get home. I remembered Kenny had once given me the cell phone number of the person he had gone to lunch with. He had it in an email note that he had sent to me. I ran to the "go" computer lab but it was closed. I didn't loose faith though and marched across campus to the computer lab in Powell. For those of you who don't attend Nicholls, that is a nice little walk. The computers at Powell wouldn't let me access Yahoo so I ran back across campus to see if the "Go" lab was open. As I walked into "Go," my cell phone rang. It was Kenny on his new old cell phone. He told me he had gotten his car jumped and was driving around to get the battery "juiced up." I told him to pick me up in front of "Go." He said "Okie Dokie!!!"
I hopped in he van as it pulled up. Kenny looked at me all upset. He had missed his lunch date. I sat down and buckled up. He took off and turned left were he was supposed to turn right. I looked at him funny and he said he was going to his buddy's house to tell her he was sorry he missed her. See, Kenny is funny sometimes. When he gets something on his mind, he gets it on there good. I try to warn him but I believe he is going to be an insane stalker one day. Naw, Kenny's cool, just a little over anxious. The big difference between Kenny and I is our outlook on different things, mostly the "girl department." That is why I work in Dairy. See, a girl could look at Kenny funny and he'd believe she thinks he's cute. Just the other day, a girl actually asked me out and I can't help but think she just feels sorry for me. Isn't that crazy? Ok, I have digressed, now back to the story.
I had looked down to play with my cell phone on as Kenny drives down the road. As I looked up, there was a semi-truck heading right for us. I screamed and wet my pants. This was another wreck Kenny had almost gotten us in. The first one happened earlier that morning. We were coming down a road that intersected with two one-way two-lane roads. They had a yellow caution light and we had a stop sign. Kenny sat and sat. Finally, a large semi truck was slowing down and Kenny decided to go. I shrieked saying, "Kenny, there is another car on the other side of the semi!! The semi was in the lane closest to us (the right had side) and there was another car in the lane farthest from us (the left had side). Kenny turned and looked as he narrowly missed the collision and said, "Well I'll be danged."
After that intersection is a little bridge over a bayou then yet another one-way two-lane road. Kenny needed to make a left here to get to Nicholls. He paid no attention to oncoming traffic and just went. Again my heart stopped as yet another car slammed on its brakes.
Now there was this semi coming at us. It decided to go back into its own lane so it was all good. The Adventure wasn't over yet, though, as Kenny pulled into the wrong street. What he though may have been the street to his buddy's house was actually a driveway. Kenny hit reverse in Kenny's Mom's van and again cut off someone traveling toward us on the highway. By this time, Kenny's Mom's van's seat was wet, as were my pants. Kenny told me that his mom's van just has alot of blind spots his van doesn't have.
We went down the street only to find Kenny's buddy wasn't home. I laughed as Kenny opted to pull into her neighbor's driveway and turn around rather than just make the block. Kenny drove back down the road and entered the highway. I was sitting there laughing about this whole day. Kenny looked at me and asked me what was so funny. I told him "this amazing adventure man." He said, "Hey, maybe you could make it one of your mass emails." I said, "Oh, it'll be an email all right."
The adventure was still not over as Kenny pulled his mom's van back to the Nicholls campus. Determined to go to lunch with his buddy, he drove around campus looking for her red car. If you don't know, red cars a quit popular and we looks at every freaken one. Not seeing the car, Kenny pulled into a spot and tried to call her cell phone. He had no luck and back out right as another car headed at him. He blamed it on the blind spot.
Kenny looked at me and said, "Josh, I'm hungry, you want to go to Waffle House?" I said, "Kenny, I'm broke." He told me he would pay for it and I said, "well heck yeah then!"
As we left the Nicholls Campus, I saw another red car in the Rouses parking lot and jokingly said, "Hey look, maybe that's her car." Kenny slowed down and put his blinker on. I told him he was a very sick individual and to keep going. We searched Rouses for hours.
Finally, I became hungry and drug Kenny out of the store. I threw him in Kenny's mom's van and he drove to Waffle House. On our way to Waffle House, he nearly got us in two more wrecks but it all worked out. We finally got to Waffle House and he passed up the entrance. I said, "Kenny, you passed up the entrance" so he went around the block ad we came back. He passed up the entrance again. He pulled into Burger King and cut through the parking lot and he got on the road again. He got into the Waffle House Parking lot.
We sat down and ate and Kenny paid for my meal because I was broke. I thanked him. The dang lady with the check didn't bring us the check though. Kenny said, "If she's doesn't bring the check in two minutes, we are going to walk out." We had been sitting there ten minutes and she wouldn't bring us the check. Finally, I stood up and chunked my biscuit at her. She looked and said, "Oh, do you need a check?"
On the way home, Kenny fell asleep while driving. I noticed as he passed up the exit on the interstate that leads to my house. I looked at him there sleeping and I though "Oh, how cute." I then looked ahead and thought "oh dear." I unbuckled my seat beat and hopped the seat. As the car raced down the highway, I unbuckled Kenny and placed him in the passenger seat. I knew the next exit on the highway wouldn't come until we reached Morgan City so I slammed the brakes and jumped the grass median. Kenny's mom's van doesn't have very good off-road capabilities and it did two barrel rolls before I could get it back under control. I drove back down the interstate toward Houma. I looked up and saw a bright shinning object. At first, I thought it might be the Rapture. I then realized it was just my old friends from the Zargon Nebula Stan and Howie. They had abducted me earlier in my 2nd and 5th grade school years and implanted false memories in my head. I guess they just wanted to know how my day was going. Kenny slept through the beaming up of the van and the trip back to Zargon. It was quiet interesting. They explained to me the Mathematic Relationship between a boy and his dog. I would explain it to you all but yall don't have the thinking capabilities I have. See, when I was in 6th grade, the FBI and all these other top secret agencies had heard of my abduction and the took me in and did all these tests on me. They also implanted false memories of a joyful childhood. In the process of these test, the expanded my thinking capabilities so that I can understand anything logical. I still don't understand biology and the theory of evolution. . .
When Stan and Howie started to put false memories both Kenny and my head, I was able to use my awesome thinking capabilities to remember what had happened. All Kenny remembers is driving home from waffle house and only avoiding three wrecks, but I know the truth.
Tomorrow, I think I'll carpool with Candace.