Subject: The Theory of Woodenism
Date: August 29, 2001
*Note: There were two versions of this e-mail written. The first was in Aug., 2001. The second in August 2002. This is the second version. The first version said the exact same thing, but all references to "the Farm" were "Nicholls Dorms" and all references to Will and Chris were Antione.
Dearest Home Boys,
The newest stage on the next chapter of the first half of the journey that I call life began last Wednesday. I officially became "moved out." Soon after moving in, I realized the immense boredom that I must learn to cope with in the next few years. I surveyed my new roommates to find out the best way to pass time here at "The Farm." One reply was to play with the computer, another was to sleep. One of the best pieces of advice was to read. I tried reading and promptly feel asleep. After I awoke, I began to play with my computer. I notice niether of them said "school work."
After an hour or so of looking at the off-pink walls, I became inspired. After writing "inspired," Chris's poster fell off the wall yet again. Chris, by the way, is my dear roommate. He's a neat little guy. He sets his clock exactly 14 minutes ahead. I'm trying to figure out why he does that. Maybe he'll tell me after he reads this. Will is my other roommate. He is a good roommate. He's never here. Neither is Chris. They have "real jobs." It's just the walls and me most of the time. I figure I could venture out into the unknown world out there but that would require movement so I decide not to. I've discovered that not doing anything all day actually inspires me not to do anything the next day either. This is a scary trend considering rent will be due soon. At least I'm getting my money's worth out of my cds.
I'm trying to figure out what I can do in this email to make it stand out as one of the best emails ever written. I have decided, however, that this cannot possibly happen. I figure if I'm writing out of boredom, then I should write about boredom.
According to Webster, BORE is "to make a hole through or in something using a drill; to become tired, repetitious, or dull." I have uncovered several ways to protect against this bored thing.
1. Don't buy drills.
2. Keep all drills away from wood.
3. Never plug a drill in.
4. Keep drill away from batteries.
A play on the word "bore" also reveals "boar" - a wild pig. That gives a whole new meaning to, "Man, that preacher was a bore." I would like to add that both Chris and Will are a boar and bore, respectively.
Speaking of boards, this whole room is made of boards. I believe that is why this room is so boring. That taken into account, I have created the principle of woodenism. All structures and buildings made of wood are inherently boring. Too back up my statement, I ask you to look at those sixth grade field trips to plantation homes. Those were REAL exciting weren't they? On the other-hand, sports cars are NOT made of wood. I think this validates my point completely. My friend Clinton Curry's head, for example, is made of wood!! If you will remember back into the Glory days of another Clinton's administration, his close associate Al Gore was continually mocked by certain media figures such as David Letterman as being STIFF AS A BOARD. It just makes perfect sense.
Money and Monkeys, on the other hand, are NOT made of wood. Think of stuff we use everyday. Some of my favorite books are made of paper, NOT WOOD!!!
I do believe now that I have made a valid point, I will retreat for dinner. I think I'm going to run over to Subway. I was going to be nice and wait for Chris and Will, but they have disappeared and I have no clue when they are too return.
Yall have a dang good day!
Josh
Responses:Ryan from Bayou Blue
Are you in long hall or millet?
Another good way to pass time is to antagonize your neighbors without them knowing it's you. Slamming you door around 3:00 in the morning is always a good way to tick everyone off. Prank calling the room under you when everyone is drunk is good to. Rule of thumb in long hall is you can hear everything in the room below you but nothing above. Same goes for the people above you as well.
ps- Im full of good dorm stories. First night in my dorm i found crack cocaine. NO joke either.