Dearest everyone on my email list,
I have had a bad problem tonight and am feeling totally and utterly in despair. I feel as if my own life may be taken if it were not for my two very great roommates who are able to talk me out of depression. Let me tell you what happened:
After a long week, I am laying down in my bed about to go to sleep when my phone rings. My caller ID told me that "Satomi," my Japanese friend, was calling me. Always excited to hear from Satomi, I answered my phone with a smile on my face even though I was utterly tired and had many other things on my mind.
You see, every time Satomi calls, I know it is news about the international student Bible study that we have at Nicholls, or some other real cool God thing, so I don't like to miss that call knowing it will probably make my day no matter how bad it has been.
So, I answered the phone, and it was her roommate Tabatha.
"Hello?" I said.
"Hey Josh, this is Tabatha."
"Oh, uh, hey Tabatha."
"Hey, are you busy?"
"Well, kind of but not really I guess."
"Oh, okay, well, I just wanted to call and talk."
"Um, okay . . . . "
"Uh, are you busy this weekend?"
"This weekend, um, I'm not sure? Let me think about it . . . uh . . . actually I do have some stuff planned."
"Okay, well, it doesn't have to be this weekend, but I'd like to get together and have dinner with you some time."
By now, I was going into weird mode. I had absolutely no clue what to say. As most of you know, I haven't had much experience in this area. Being the great looking guy that I am, I haven't had all that many woman calling and begging to go out with me, so turning them down is not a talent I have developed quite as well as I probably should.
"Um, I guess we could do it sometime," I said, hoping she would leave it at that. If there is any thing that turns me off, it is an aggressive girl.
"Oh, wait it's not what you think. Satomi wouldn't be there; it would just be me and you. I just want to try and get to know you better."
"Oh."
"What do you think?"
"I, uh, I'm really not sure."
"To tell you the truth, Josh, you know, we've been knowing each other for a while now."
Maybe five weeks? I thought.
"And, to tell you the truth, I'm real attracted to you. Don't you feel the same way?"
Dumbfounded, I speak exactly what was on my mind, "No, not really."
"Uh, um, I don't know what to say."
"Me neither."
"Hey, Josh, what day is it?"
I paused for a moment then began cracking up laughing as I realized today was April 1.
I hung up with Tabitha, then sat in my bed and began to think. Depression began to sink in as I remembered back to the last time I had feelings for someone. It was about two years ago now, when I decided to ask a friend for advice. This was one of my best friends, one of those few people you actually let inside and ask for advice, one of those few whose opinion about you actually means something. I won't say his name for obvious reasons.
The conversation then went something like this:
"Hey, Bob, I've got a question for you."
"Shoot, Slim."
"What do you think about me and so-and-so?"
Bob's eyes grew wide as his jaw dropped. "Josh," he said, "I've got something to tell you. You may not want to hear it, but this is the truth. Unfortunately, this is how the world works. I may not like it and may not agree with it, but this is just how things are."
"Okay?"
"Josh, there are leagues. The world of men and women is alot like baseball. You've got the major leagues, the Triple A leagues, the Double A leagues, the Single A leagues, and then you just have the Grapefruit League."
"Oookay?"
"See, Josh, your problem is that you keep going after girls in the majors, and you just aren't quite there. You aren't like in the Grapefruit League, or even the Single A league, but you definitely aren't in this girl's league."
"Okay. Thanks, I think."
"What you need to do is go after a fat girl. You don't necessarily need a hairy girl, you are better than, but you just got to lower your standards to something more obtainable."
For the next weeks or so I was depressed. I was walking campus looking at fat girls and thinking to myself, "You know, I have no problem remaining single the rest of my life."
Later my friend realized his mistake and tried to apologize, but the damage had already been done, I was scarred for life (and I'm not EVEN going to go into the details about the girl who laughed at me when I asked her out in Jr. High, or the several who turned me down when I asked them out in high school, though several are on this list [just had to get in an extra guilt thing, what can I say, I'm a Manning? We thrive in making other people feel guilty. Next I'll say it is all my mom's fault for being a good cook and letting me eat seconds during supper or my sister's fault for not telling all her cute friends how cool I actually was. How's a guy supposed to get married anyhow?])
Anyway, to make a longer story only long, I was scared for the rest of my life (and I'm sure most of you believe that). I only am able to now put up with it by cracking jokes about my weight and hairiness (or lack there of on the top).
But anyway, I told my friend and roommate Ryan about what happened earlier tonight with Tabiaha. I told him I thought it was funny and was cracking up laughing about it. He, however, being the sensitive and caring one, saw right through my facade and realized he needed to make the girls (it was actually Satomi's idea to call) realize how deeply they had hurt me, how though I may laugh on the outside, the emotional scars of never having a failed relationship (or one for all in that matter) were tearing me apart.
I told Ryan goodnight and went to bed. Within twenty minutes (it was now past 11), my phone rang again. It was Tabatha. She was chewing me out that "ten people have called, many of them people who I don't know, and told me how bad I made you feel. Well, I'm sorry okay? But you should have told me I hurt you, not told everyone and their brother, you need to learn to get over these things! You can dish it out but you can't take it, can you!" Those may not have been the exact words, but in this over emotional state I am in, who cares.
I walked out of my room and asked Ryan what was going on. He had that dumb grin on his face.
So here I am, now making a call to all my email friends to stand up for me. You all know how much of an emotional person I am, how I wear my heart on my sleeve and how I allow the words of people to tear me up inside. I am asking all of you (100+ at least!) to respond, in mass, to make sure all these atrocities never happen again.
Though I was tempted to put either the phone number or the email of Satomi and Tabatha, I realized that would be "over the line" and just mean. What I'm asking is for everyone to go to www.joshmanning.com and sign the guestbook with a response to this. Feel free to tell me anything to boost my self-esteem or, more favorably, a note to Tabatha and Satomi that I can then forward to them.
Thank you so much for your willingness to help in this cause.
Your dear friend,
Joshua Manning