I guess you've noticed I'm not married yet.
Well, I tried. My original goal was August 29, but it seems I fell short. Way short. I guess that's okay, though. I'm starting to think being married is overrated anyway. I see all my married friends can't ever come and hang out anymore. I will call them up, "Hey, man, you want to go cruise for chicks?"
"Dude, no, man. I'm married."
"So . . . what's your point?"
"I already got a chick."
"That old bag? No, I'm talking, like, pretty chicks!"
It is usually then that I hear that distinct clicking sound that all guys of my physic know all too well.
Anyway, I just got back from this big Chi Alpha retreat deal that we call Fall Breakaway. I say I just got back, but it's been a few weeks now. I've been meaning to write, but I didn't feel like it.
Anyway, saw an old friend there. It was E.L. Fridge.
I was sort of hesitant when I saw ol' E.L. I hadn't seen him for quite a while, and the last time I had seen him was back when I was young and immature. I wasn't sure if he would remember me or not, and if he would, would those memories be pleasant?
You see, I still remember the first time we meet. It was the summer after my freshman year of college. I was invited to help Chi Alpha do some recruitment at the kid's youth camp deal, and E.L. was there helping out as well.
We began talking about school and life in general.
"So, what are you studying?" he asked.
"Oh, currently, my major is computer science," I answered. "But I'm thinking of switching it to English or something. I'm not sure."
"Why? Is computer science to hard?"
"No! It's not that it's hard; it's that it is so stinking easy! In fact, it's the most boring, mind-numbing thing I've ever done in my entire life! You would have to be some sort of pencil necked geek to study that stuff! Who in their right mind does that?"
"I'm a computer science major."
There was a very uncomfortable silence that followed.
I then tried to lighten the mood and say something completely ridiculous.
"Well, at least you didn't graduate from Northside Christian School!"
"Excuse me?"
"Yeah, I graduated from Houma Christian and we play this school from Crowley every year in athletics - Northside Christian School! Now THOSE guys are a bunch of morons over there! I hate those guys!"
"I graduated from Northside Christian."
"Oh, eh, what are the odds?"
I wish I was making this stuff up.
You think I would have learned from this, but years later, the exact same thing happened. I was at the big Subway over here in Thibodaux, the one next to the Wendy's, when this blonde walked in. I was eating with my roommate Will, and he had been picking on me about my lack of girlfriends over the past few years (20, to be exact).
"Watch this," I told him, "I'm going to be, like, Don Juan smooth here."
"What are you talking about, Chewie?"
The blonde walked over and sat in the booth next to us.
I winked at my ferret-looking roommate then turned to the blonde. I noticed she was eating an all veggie sandwich.
'Trying to loose weight?" I asked in my smooth, deep voice.
"Excuse me??" she replied.
She must be overcome by my great looks and sense of style! I thought.
"Yep! I don't go for that diet garbage! Philly cheese steak is that way to go! You should try some. It'll clog up your arteries!"
"Um, I think I'll pass," she said as she scooted closer to the wall.
"Yeah well, we can't all be perfect," I sighed as I took a bite of the sandwich. "Well, at least you didn't graduate from Northside Christian School!"
"Excuse me?"
"Yeah, I graduated from Houma Christian and we play this school from Crowley every year in athletics - Northside Christian School! Now THOSE guys are a bunch of morons over there! I hate those guys! I mean, what kind of stupid name is that, anyway? Northside? Why not, like, Crowley Christian . . . . or better yet, My School Is Located in the Middle of a Friggin Rice Field Christian? What idiot comes up with the name, 'Northside Christian'???"
The girl, now red in the face, attempted to keep her cool as she replied, "My father named the school."
I decided never to talk about that school again. I've actually made up a school to make fun of now - Platteville High. It's in Wisconsin. They eat a lot of cheese there. Home of the Hillmen.
Anyway, back to E.L.
He approached me during the Fall Breakaway and asked me how Baton Rouge was.
I, just getting back from Baton Rouge a week earlier, was thoroughly disturbed.
"How did you know I went to Baton Rouge?" I asked.
"Well, it is kind of a weird story. You see, every few weeks or so, my closet door opens and this black guy with a funny looking nose walks out and hands me this piece of paper. He then tells me that he doesn't have any more cold cups and then walks back into the closet. I follow after him, open the closet, but he isn't there."
"Oh, you know Antione, too?"
"Yeah, I met him at one of these Chi Alpha events a few years back."
"Yeah, he does that to people. I think he's a Jedi or something."
"Anyway, after he leaves, I read the piece of paper he hands me and it's usually about you."
"Have you ever noticed that you are missing money when he leaves?"
"What?"
"Check next time. You will be one dollar short."
It was then that Danny walked up.
"What you guys talking about?"
"Antione."
"Oh, he moved to Missouri, right?"
"Yeah, Springfield," I said as I turned and walked away.
A random stranger piped up, "I thought it was Ohio."
"No, that is Japanese for hello," I heard Danny say in the distance.
Anyway, that's all. Have a wonderful evening, or morning, or whatever it is when you read this.
Josh