As I drove home from school today, I began to comprehend the patheticness of my love-life. Not having a girlfriend since that funny looking girl in fourth grade (Hi Heather. Haven't seen you since graduation, what's up?) tends to make one feel down about himself. As I sat in my car for the thirty minute drive home (which defiantly beats the thirty hour drive to LA), I began to remember my failed past. All those times I've asked girls out only to have them crack up laughing thinking I was joking to just plain turning me down, sort of like the "not really" girl. BTW, I just got Amy O.'s email address. How ya doing Amy? You all can email Amy at Corvair01@hotmail.com. Tell her I said hey and all. Anyway, I was very close to thinking I wasn't all that great looking when inspiration hit me. I have to be great looking. See, Chris F. always tells me how hot my sister is and Kenny has even told me she is cute a few times (which I think is sick considering Kenny's our cousin and all, but hey, this IS South Louisiana). And don't think I haven't heard you sick-o's talk about all my cousins. My cousin Jessica is, in fact, a model (ain't kidding about that either). Kenny also tells me that he's cute and all. So, considering I just bought a graphing calculator for 100 freaken bucks, I took it out and added things up. Not only am I cute, but I would even consider myself ruggedly handsome. I mean, it's all in the jean pool. Heck, I always wear jeans.
Well, that in mind, I am now accepting applications for a girlfriend. To my guy friends, I'm desperate but not that desperate. Just pass this along to all your cute, female, human friends (Yes, with people such as Matthew out there I DO have to specify human. He'll set me up with his dog or something). All you unavailable women that are married or in another type of relationship thing or are related to me, just pass this on to your single friends. Thanks again for your time. I will review all applications and get back to the winner within the next few weeks.
Your
buddy,
Josh
Some Simple Questions
1. What is your name?
2. How have we met?
3. Are you a "real" person?
4. What is your hair color and shoe size?
5. Do you in any way, shape, or form resemble Marge Simpson?
6. Can you please explain to me in 500 words or less the trans-nuclear quasmatic theory of nepitheisism?
7. Have you ever been to Canada, and if so, where?
8. Do you attend church? If so, where?
9. Do you except Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?
10. Have you ever been convicted of a crime (answering yes may or may not have a direct influence on the consideration of your appointment to the seeked position)?
11. What's the big deal with JELLO about?
12. If you could live on any planet on the universe, where and why?
13. Who do you consider to be the greatest American President to walk the earth?
14. Have you ever eaten Swiss cheese?
15. Would you ever consider moving to Willcox, Arizona?
16. Would you ever consider going on vacation to Wilcox Lake in Canada?
17. Would you agree that Canada is the biggest country in the United States?
18. Are you good at spelling?
19. Have you ever figured out the square root of 782 "just for the heck of it?"
20. Do you believe in Alien abductions?
21. Have you ever meet two guys named Stan and Howie?
22. Can you tell me how to find Stan and Howie?
23. Have you seen my butcher knife anywhere?
24. Do you have any cool ideas for a fundraiser?
25. Do you, like, talk like this?
26. Do you think I say "salsa" funny?
27. Have you ever seen John Price do the funky chicken dance?
28. Have you ever spent your entire day in the back of someone else's truck while she went to class just 'cause you were bored?
29. Have your pants ever disappeared while walking down the street?
30. Have you ever gone a whole day then get home and notice you forgot to put your shoes on?
31. If you were an eggplant, what kind of eggplant would you be? Why?
32. Finally, in 5,332 words or more, please give your opinion on shrimp.
Thanks and have a good one.
Take it easy, Greasy.
Remember, fat people always use more soap.
Big Cows = Big Steaks
Don't worry about what those Veggies tell ya, ain't nothin' wrong with a little ol' red meat, fat, and gristle.
Contrary to popular belief, chickens really can fly and geese really can kill a man.
I've seen the greener grass and it's blue.
By Golly I'm Jolly.
In the movie theater of life, always spring for the big box of popcorn.
Be the ball.
Think big and aim true.
When contemplating life's mysterious problems, remember one thing. Chalk doesn't taste good.
More food = Less money
Less money = More food
Duck Tape cures all problems.
Like, for sure, and stuff.
Yo mama.
Adios Amigos!!!