Many of you have written in recently asking me on how I compile such entertaining mass emails. "Why," they ask, "are the emails about your life and thoughts so interesting when mine are, well, dull?"
Well, first of all, I would be tempted to say that it is because your life is relatively dull. Don't worry, though, most lives are! I mean, between school and work and all, we are too busy to really do anything exciting, and no one really cares about that new haircut you got (though you feel the insistence of telling everyone you know about it). I, on the other hand, don't necessarily tell you about my new haircut. I would tell about how I slipped on a banana peel and fell on the scissors while walking into the hair parlor to get my haircut!
A common misconception that could occur here is, however, and I have had many of you write in and attest to the fact, is that many of you are tempted to think that *I* have an interesting life. The fact remains, though, that I do not. I spend the majority of my time pent up in my room either reading a book or working out plans for world domination. What I do, however, is not tell you what has happened in my life, but what DIDN"T happen. It's much more interesting that way! In fact, what I most likely will do, is tell you some of what has happened, and then spice it up with some really interesting stuff! Some of you have caught on to this and accuse me of lying. I think, though, that this is more of exaggerating for the purpose of entertainment. I stand by the principle that I do not lie, but just use words to make myself look better (and, for that matter, others worse!). It's called creative license and is quite common. Just look at any political add.
I would now like to give you an example of what this looks like.
This is an example of what really happened:
Yesterday (Saturday, April 17, 2004) I went to a crawfish boil in New Orleans. My friend Chris Buckel invited me. I got there, ate some crawfish, then some jambalaya and drank a few cold ones (Coca-Cola with ice). Ryan got there a little while later after as he got lost on the way there. We waited around, quite bored, for the next several hours for Chris to get off work, then we went and ate at this Mexican restaurant called Poncho's (because the all-you-can-eat crawfish just wasn't enough), and then went hang out at our friends' Jeremy and Lisa Hall's house. Jeremy and Lisa, by the way, just had a new kid.
So, how many of you were thoroughly excited about that email??
Now, what I do is, and this is one of those things they tell you to do in those silly creative writing classes, is instead of *telling* you what I did this weekend, I *show* you what I did. But not only do I show you what I did this weekend, but I add in a few newbies that never actually happened, come up with some sort of catchy beginning, and finish up with an overly dramatic ending. The next thing you know, you are all out there recommending my books to everyone, I get rich and then buy some island and have you all over for soft-shell tacos and some cold ones (this time Dr. Pepper on the rocks).
Also, I have been overwhelmingly blessed by God with very interesting characters whom He has placed in my life. I mean, think about it (remember boys, kid gloves are off, I love you, but it's time to reveal my secrets. Thanks for your help!):
Antione - has the tendency to show up when you least expect it. He may be at your front door, in your bedroom closet, behind the shower curtain, Texas, the office you have in another state, Hawaiian Night at the Farm. He's always asking you for another cold cup or gas money.
Marcus - now, Marcus's comedic value has dropped some now that he's lost a lot of weight and doesn't eat caramels anymore, but he's still hilarious. You never really know what he'll say or when he'll be abducted by aliens! My life has truly been blessed by knowing him!
Buckel - who can ask for a better buddy? Easy to poke fun of my Old roommate because of his balding and rounding physic, never know when I'll get a phone call and go on some wacky adventure (usually by spending an exhilarating afternoon at his 4 year old nieces chucky cheese birthday party! Wahoo!! Yip yip yip yahoo!)
Danny - always good for a "filler" role. He ends up as an "extra" in many of life's finest moments
Ryan - Again, a roommate on par with the best. I've lost twenty pounds since living in his house, mostly because my food has a tendency to disappear (again, another reason for any of you who wants to cook me dinner to feel free to do so). Ryan keeps me on my toes. I always have to look both ways while entering and exiting my room, or the front door, or the bathroom door, or the shower . . . . .
Felicity - the companion and soul-mate of Chris Buckel. I don't really have much to say about her except that she is responsible for a mass amount of suffering that I have received in my life. In high school, she single-handedly tormented me and made me regret living. Many times, I would be hanging out with my friends until she would come along and steal them from me. Now, she has married my ex-roommate. Fortunately for her, I think she's a decent human being.
Kenny - Completely oblivious to all of life. I can always count on Kenny for a good argument as we disagree on just about everything (or at least he thinks we do) He kind of looks like an eggplant.
Mike Cobb - the absolute scariest individual that I know. Look up "serial killer" in the dictionary and you will see his picture there.
Tabatha* - the blonde one in the group
Satomi* - the Japanese girl in the group who makes killer Japanese food
(* I'm still in the process of developing these characters)
Matthew - the wisest individual I have ever met
Bob - the most loyal and trustworthy person I have ever had the privilege to know. He will soon have his own email dedicated just for him
Who can ask for a better cast than that? And then when you throw my family into the mix, just about any thing can happen. Again, the secret is, to use people with real names, but change their personalities to make them more interesting for the purpose of entertainment. Many of you may think you may know these people, so when I use them for something you laugh. However, just because I use parts of their personality, I change things up - again, for the purpose of entertainment only (which is why I have said that some characters are still in development as I have not used them in enough stories to really define them).
As I originally started to write this email, I imagined that I would be writing a follow up to the original story at the top about me going to the crawfish boil. However, before I got a chance to do that, I got a phone call.
My dear friend Chris Buckel was on the phone.
Or at least it was the name on the Caller ID as I answered.
"Hey!" I answered.
"Slim," came the femalish voice from the other side of the line, "this is Felicity."
"Hey. How are you?"
"Shhhh. Chris doesn't know I'm on the phone with you."
"Okay."
"I have a confession to make."
"Uh, oookay. Go ahead."
"Josh, I'm jealous of you!"
"Uh, what for?"
"Because every time I see you, you are hanging out with my husband and he's talking to you instead of me."
"Um, I only see him like twice a year."
"It doesn't matter. Whenever he sees you, he wants to talk to you, and I don't like that!"
"I sincerely apologize, I guess."
"I want to make him jealous."
"What?"
"I want to hang out with you one day to make him jealous. Next time you come over, don't talk to him, just talk to me."
"Felicity, why do you want to make him jealous?"
"That way he can see what it's like when he doesn't talk to me. He'll see that it's not right for him to only talk to you. I'm married to him, not you."
"I don't think it'll work."
"Why not?"
"Oh, I think it'll make him jealous all right, but of you, of me."
"Huh, oh, erg! Come over here anyway!"
"Uh, sure. Whatever you wish, Mrs. Buckel."
I hung up the phone and went over to the closet to pick out a nice shirt to wear for the big event. As I opened the door, Antione was standing there.
"We don't have any more cold cups," Antione informed me as he handed me a black shirt with "World's Greatest Dad" written on it.
"Uh, Antione, I don't have any kids."
"It's okay, it'll scare away all the women who just want you for your money," he answered.
I suddenly felt the urge to reach into my pocket and pull out a dollar. Antione waved his hand in front of my eyes and I remembered nothing for several hours.
I awoke lying on my bed. Bob was sitting in my chair, typing at the computer.
"Bob," I said, "I've got a problem."
Bob turned and looked at me.
"Felicity is jealous of me and wants me to go to New Orleans to take some sort of revenge on Chris. What should I do?"
Bob shrugged and began to type on my computer. After several minutes, he waved me over to see what he typed.
I saw an instant messenger box opened. My good friend from Alabama, Matthew "Corvair" was on the screen. He had typed the solitary word, "Ryan."
I burst out of my room and ducked as the baseball bat swung at my head. I say ducked, but I more or less tripped over several dead squirrels lying at the entrance of the hall.
Ryan smiled, "Hey! Want to go shoot some nutria?"
"Um, no, but I need your assistance! Felicity is trying to use me as a pawn in her quest for revenge against Chris. Think you can help?"
"Hmm, I think I can do that. You head on up there. I will meet you later. I will need a blonde, a Japanese girl, and an a few extras."
"What?"
"Just go!" he yelled as he pulled a head off one of the squirrels and began to chew at it.
I hopped in my truck and tracked the trek out with my GPS unit. I began driving and arrived, forty five minutes later, at Buckel's apartment. I called to get in past the security gate, and got the answering machine. It was Felicity, "Hey everybody! Sorry we aren't in right now. We are over at Delgado for the 1st Annual SGA Crawfish Boil." Then, I heard some static and an encoded message, which could only be deciphered by my satellite phone, began to come through. It was again Felicity, "Josh, meet us at Delgado. You are on the special guest list. It's reserved for government dignitaries so wear something nice.
Frustrated, I drove over to a tux rental place and got a tux. After I go to my car, I realized I only had my white tennis shoes. Oh well, I though, these will have to make due.
I instant text messaged Ryan's phone to tell him what was going on. He responded by way of electric satelitific platic-ronuous sintologinic communication. He said, "The Dynamic Duo is on its way." I was never so confused in my life.
I pulled up to Delgado to see a strange site. Felicity was tied up and hanging upside down from a tree. Buckel was trying to free her, but Marcus was sitting on him. A blonde and a Japanese girl where keeping the police away by alternatively yelling and dancing. Kenny was standing in the parking lot. I asked him what was going on and he said he hadn't a clue. He then asked me why I thought he should know, insisted he had nothing to do with it, and then proceeded to write a news story about it. In the faint distance I heard someone, and I could have sworn it was Danny, yelling, "Hey, that's my gum!"
As I turned back to the chaotic scene, I saw Mike Cobb being arrested for his part in the plot as Ryan escaped in his Nissan truck.
I told my family, and they were speechless.
The End